http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/af/e944ae7fcbcd09fc80f4d7a35c689c_160x200.jpghttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/regression-6992480/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-09-18:/2009/09/18/regression-6992480/Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:49:00 +0200 <p>I regress. Every time I come over the Ross/Monmouth border into Wales and visit my parents. I go from being a largely intelligent adult to a child. I lose my powers of reasoning, my ability to act as an adult - everything!</p> <p>They won't leave me to myself, they want to talk to me all the time. They seem unable to avoid the criticsm that comes so naturally to them.</p> <p>So far today we have heard about my weight, my appearance, my inability to hold a fork properly, how I wasn't brought up to behave the way I do and today's particularly damning bit has been that my girlfriend is lovely but not suited to me!</p> <p>I feel frustrated, I feel challenged and I feel wrong for doing so. Coupled with the regression is my moods becoming akin to that of a teenager - I am snappy, I am grumpy, I am generally rude and a less nice person than that which I try to be on a daily basis!!</p> <p>I need help!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/regression-6992480/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>regressionmoodsirrititabilitylifehttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/regression-6992480/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/09/hello-6928372/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-09-09:/2009/09/09/hello-6928372/Wed, 09 Sep 2009 08:43:08 +0200 <p>It's a beautiful morning at this end. I somehow managed to get to work early and am feeling surprisingly bouncy! I wonder how long it will last?</p> <p>I've not been writing here much as I seemed to have discovered pen and paper. There's something satisfying about seeing my illegible scrawl in a battered old notebook! </p> <p>Anyway the girl is away in Cornwall with her parents. I think it's going well although it was at first a bit of a challenge - her parents weren't being overly chatty and she was in part putting it down to having come out of the closet a few weeks prior to the holiday, oh dear hey?</p> <p>Right time to get on with some work! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/09/hello-6928372/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifecornwallnotebookbouncygirlhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/09/09/hello-6928372/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/07/tear-release-6670080/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-08-07:/2009/08/07/tear-release-6670080/Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:00:00 +0200 <p>It's probably a sign of how I'm feeling at the moment...I could really do with some of these as I feel like there is so much emotion in me and I would love to release it but can't! Anyway it looked better when I drew it originally but am sure you get the idea.</p> <p>Tear release tablets...contain alcohol...for moments when you want to cry but can't!</p> <p class="center"><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/pills/3762260" title="pills"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/260/3762260_34ba24608e_s.jpg" alt="pills"></a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/07/tear-release-6670080/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifecrydepressionhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/07/tear-release-6670080/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/04/escapism-6649088/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-08-04:/2009/08/04/escapism-6649088/Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:55:21 +0200 <p>Today I am feeling like I really want to escape from it all. I want to go to a place where nobody knows me and where no-one can contact me. </p> <p>I want my mind to be cleared of all thoughts as I am fed up with feeling preoccupied. I want to do something that makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me relax!</p> <p>But I'm stuck at work...so back to the grindstone for me! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/04/escapism-6649088/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>escapelifepreoccupiedthoughtshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/08/04/escapism-6649088/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/25/my-brain-on-saturday-morning-6583408/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-25:/2009/07/25/my-brain-on-saturday-morning-6583408/Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:31:05 +0200 <p>I've woken up feeling like I've had a skinful of alcohol. In reality it was a can of lager and two glasses of wine. </p> <p>I feel confused by how things are going. I guess the elation of last week has died down and it is all now sinking in.</p> <p>Last week I felt so happy - I had found out stuff about me and my roots. More importantly I had found out that my Mum hadn't wanted to let me go. I felt like I had met a missing link particularly when being hugged by her or watching her body language and seeing the uncanncy similarities.</p> <p>Maybe we both got swept up in the moment. This week it all feels different. She has gradually become more distant. I feel like I have had to force conversation whilst emails I have sent remain unanswered. On Monday night I made some suggestions about spending time together. Just me and her. I guess I want to get to know her so I can know me more than anything. The offers were rejected.</p> <p>I don't want to be rejected by someone who has done so already all those years ago. I don't want to lose my Mum again but equally I am not changing who I am for anybody and I am not going to bend over backwards to do anything for her.</p> <p>I've made the decision overnight that anything I am doing now has to be done for me. I can't be trying to live up to her expectations. I can't be trying to make her happy.</p> <p>At the end of the day she may be my Mum but I have parents who love me and who have given me eveything in life. I am so grateful for all they have done and just hope they know that! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/25/my-brain-on-saturday-morning-6583408/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>parentsmeconfusedlifealcoholrejectionhappyrootsmumhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/25/my-brain-on-saturday-morning-6583408/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/24/feeling-full-of-stuff-6579490/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-24:/2009/07/24/feeling-full-of-stuff-6579490/Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:33:25 +0200 <p>When the ex and I looked into adoption we were warned about the emotions we would go through. We were told that it would be a process of highs and lows where we would reflect on our lives taking into account every last aspect of it.</p> <p>I guess it is therefore not surprising that as an adoptee who has found her natural mum I am going through the same emotions.</p> <p>There is so much going on inside of me and so many of these are feelings which I thought I had put to bed when I was younger</p> <p><u>Excitement </u><br> I am excited because I have found my Mum and found out I have half brothers and sisters. I have found out why she gave me up all those years ago. I have found out about my roots. </p> <p>I am excited because due to her relatively young age I potentially have a fair bit of time to get to know her and find out even more. I will potentially be able to establish a relationship with her.</p> <p><u>Anger</u><br> I feel angry at myself because on occasion I am so ungrateful for everything I have and everything I have been given. My parents gave me an incredible start in life and I think it is only now that I am appreciating it.</p> <p>I feel angry at myself because I think I have been selfish and not taken into account that my natural Mum will be going through a lot now - I have been so concerned with myself and how I am feeling that I've barely thought about her and my half brother and sister and what must be going on in their minds.</p> <p>I feel angry at my natural Mum because I have made a few suggestions on how we can spend time together and she has rejected each of these. I know she is scared but so am I.</p> <p><u>Guilt</u><br> I feel guilty because I haven't told my parents what is going on. I feel this especially after a visit last home last night and realising how much they have given me. Looking at photo albums made me realise how much they worshipped their little girl and how desperately they must have wanted me. </p> <p>I guess I also feel bad seeing how much I have had and how little my Mum and half brother and sister had (in terms of posessions anyway).</p> <p><u>Fear/insecurity</u><br> These feelings relate back to childhood. I was always afraid I'd been given up because there was something wrong with me. I feared that my Mum had taken one look at me and asked for me to be put up for adoption. Equally I thought I had some form of deadly illness. </p> <p>I am insecure and afraid because I don't want her to dislike me and I don't want to be lost again.</p> <p><u>Love</u><br> I find myself feeling far stronger about my natural Mum that I expected. I like her. In a way it would have been easier if I couldn't identify with her but meeting her has already helped me understand myself better.</p> <p>I am also realising how much I love my parents. I criticise and moan about them so much but I really do think the world of them. I think they know that - at least I hope they do.</p> <p>Lots going on and so many emotions - I guess al natural but lots to get my head around! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/24/feeling-full-of-stuff-6579490/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>excitementfeelingslifeadoptionangerfearloveguiltemotionshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/24/feeling-full-of-stuff-6579490/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/20/my-story-an-overview-6552747/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-20:/2009/07/20/my-story-an-overview-6552747/Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:12:55 +0200 <p>I was adopted as a baby. I never knew my Mum as I was immediately put into foster care and then taken to the home where I was to grow up. I always knew. From about three years old they told me how I had been brought home in a car from this special place and that they felt so lucky to have me.</p> <p>I was always curious about where I came from. I quite often used to see my traits in friends Mums and wonder if I was related to them in some way. </p> <p>As I got older curiosity increased but out of respect for my parents I didn't ask. I went to the place where I was born and felt close to my Mum but I didn't know if she even came from that area. </p> <p>When I left home for University I started to think even more about who she was, what she did and what she looked like. Again out of guilt I held back but I did look into things. I needed a birth certificate though and wasn't going to ask my parents about this as it would raise too many questions. </p> <p>Eventually I became of the belief that it was as much for her to find me as it was for me to go looking for her. </p> <p>About three years ago I was out walking with my Dad - he asked me if I wanted to know about her and as I could see he was choked up I said no. He gave me a few details nonetheless - in particular I found out that she was 17 when she had me and that she was adamant that giving me up was the right thing. She had gone into catering. </p> <p>I spent a few weeks after that looking at web-sites for hotels in Wrexham (where I was born) looking for her face - I knew I'd recognise her immediately. I had no luck and once again gave up my hunt. Let her find me I thought.</p> <p>On my 30th along with some news about my Dad's health an envelope was taken out of the filing cabinet. It was marked "For Sian, when she needs it". Inside this envelope were details of my background. I found out I had some Rhodesian in me as my Mum had been born there but moved over in her teens, and there was the information I had seen previously. What I hadn't seen before though was her name. I finally had a link. </p> <p>All this didn't change my mind. I still didn't really want to know. What I saw next though made up my mind. A second envelope contained important paperwork including my birth certificate. It was then I registered that I had in fact had a different name when born. Had my Mum wanted to find me she couldn't.</p> <p>I sat that morning and looked for links to her in the town where she had then lived. I found a surname that matched hers but no luck finding her. I found myself the next day looking for her again. No luck. Then a friend did a search and sure enough there she was!</p> <p>I decided to write to her and let her know I was okay. I was still determined all I wanted was to find out any health conditions. The letter was difficult to write but we posted it. I was terrified that I had ruined her life again!</p> <p>I got a response on the Friday morning but my friends chose to protect me - I was told on Sunday that she had been over the moon to hear from me. I immediately picked out pictures to send her of me as a little one. Last Monday I got an email that changed my life. </p> <p>I found out that my Mum had never intended to give me up. She had always wanted to keep me and had every intention of us being together. She had fought to keep me only to have her parents plot behind her back. After I was born she had been kicked out of home</p> <p>The story is complicated and I am learning lots. On Tuesday I sent a photo and received one in return - my first sight of my Mum. On Wednesday I sent a clip of me talking. On Thursday I spoke to her on the phone. On Friday I gave her my mobile number. Yesterday, we met! </p> <p>This is an overview of it all but I guess I just wanted to get the bare bones down for now.</p> <p>Our story is just beginning but I look forward to meeting my new extended family - I am so lucky as I now have two sets of parents who love me and have gone from being an only child to having a half brother and half sister!!! Wow!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/20/my-story-an-overview-6552747/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>relationshipslifemumparentsadoption30thbirthdayhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/20/my-story-an-overview-6552747/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/deepression-6504238/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-13:/2009/07/13/deepression-6504238/Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:41:57 +0200 <p>I went to the doctor on Friday morning. I wasn't going to but when I found myself sat in the car crying hysterically after my card refused to work in the garage I figured it was probably a good move.</p> <p>I guess I'd seen it coming for a while. I've felt for a few weeks now like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders. I just didn't want to admit that there was anything wrong.</p> <p>I guess part of it is my mother. Silly isn't it? Her opinion still counts even though I am 90 miles away and I am 30 years old. Even though she isn't a doctor. My mum doesn't believe that there is such a thing as depression and really doesn't think I should take tablets for it. She bases these opinions on things she has read in specialist publications like "The Sun".</p> <p>I made a list before going to the doctor. The things I thought were wrong with me. What the signs had been. How I had been gradually getting worse. What had set me off. What I wanted. What I didn't want. He agreed that my self diagnosis of depression coupled with stress and anxiety was correct and that I needed pills.</p> <p>I started back on them Friday night and since then have spent myself feeling perma-pished. You know that feeling of light headedness where standing up gives you a head rush. I have been reassured through reading that this is a genuine side effect so hopefuly it will calm down soon.</p> <p>I haven't had any hysterics since Friday morning thankfully and am feeling calmer - I know it's too soon for the drugs to have kicked in so I am guessing any effects are probably due to the support of my girlfriend and friends over the last few days - I really do hope they know how much they mean to me! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/deepression-6504238/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>stressnew-gfmumdepressionfamilylifefriendshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/deepression-6504238/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/09/yawwwwwwn-6478302/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-09:/2009/07/09/yawwwwwwn-6478302/Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:45:44 +0200 <p>In work on my own and I am so incredibly bored. I have the radio on but it's not helping to keep the yawns at bay. </p> <p>I am also incredibly tired. Since the events of my birthday a week and a half ago I haven't been sleeping properly - I go to bed but either spend hours tossing and turning trying to get to sleep or wake up at silly o'clock in the morning and am unable to get back to the land of z's. </p> <p>Added to this are anxiety attacks. Tightness of chest. Dizziness. Light-headed. Feeling faint. </p> <p>Part of me thinks I should go to the doctor, however, I know what she will say and I am dreading once again being handed a prescription for anti depressants. I want to survive without them but at times like this when the world feels like it's on top of me I think I can't! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/09/yawwwwwwn-6478302/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>panicanxietylifebirthdaysleeptiredhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/09/yawwwwwwn-6478302/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/02/weirdness-6435532/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-07-02:/2009/07/02/weirdness-6435532/Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:01:31 +0200 <p>I've had the weirdest few days and a 30th birthday which will be memorable for all of the wrong reasons. As a result I've been preoccupied and not really in the mood for blogging. </p> <p>Will write more soon.</p> <p>x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/02/weirdness-6435532/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>birthdayweird30thlifepreoccupiedhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/07/02/weirdness-6435532/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/23/fed-up-6370038/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-23:/2009/06/23/fed-up-6370038/Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:17:41 +0200 <p>Fed up with being skint. Fed up with not having enough money to make ends meet. Fed up with having my phones disconnected because I can't afford to pay my bill. Fed up with barely being able to afford food. Fed up with not being able to go out without having to get someone else to sub me and pay my way. Fed up with having to borrow money from parents. Fed up with my girl having to bail me out. Fed up with my ex having to bail me out. Fed up that no matter how hard I try to find a new job I can't. Fed up that the one job I had was snatched away from me. Fed up that I am working the maximum number of hours possible yet still not making enough. Fed up with spending a days wages a week on petrol. Fed up that I can't see my girlfriend because I can't afford the extra petrol to get over to her. Fed up that my parents seem unbothered that it's my 30th birthday at the weekend. Fed up that my dad's unwell but no-one tells me anything. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/23/fed-up-6370038/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>fed-upgrumpylifemoneyfamilyex-gfnew-gfhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/23/fed-up-6370038/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/birthdays-6333586/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-18:/2009/06/18/birthdays-6333586/Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:29:55 +0200 <p>It's my 30th next weekend. Sunday 28th June. Put it in your diaries!</p> <p>I decided that with it being a big one this year I'd try and get people together. I mean I do know a fair few people...work, uni, school, home...and I figured that this weekend could be my pre birthday knees up. </p> <p>So I looked through my facebook contacts and got in touch with the most important...people who I had seen most recently, people who meant the most to me and from the 200+ friends I made it down to 20. </p> <p>I started off sending a message about two months in advance...kind of a keep this date open...I had a few responses most of which were positive. Anyway I then sent out a reminder a couple of weeks ago asking people to let me know as soon as possible so I could cater in terms of food and drinks.</p> <p>Well I have had a positive response from my girlfriend, two exes and two of my closest friends from my Uni days...one ex has since had to say no but until mid week was coming...everyone else...nothing!</p> <p>I guess it shows which of your friends you can count on. I guess it shows which friends you mean something to and which consider you as a mere acquaintance too. </p> <p>I can't decide whether to send out a last ditch attempt at an invite...tell people to get there a bit later on...tell people I'll provide the booze...or just leave it!</p> <p>Quality rather than quantity hey? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/birthdays-6333586/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>birthdaylifeinvitesresponsespartyfriendshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/18/birthdays-6333586/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/shit-happens-6295971/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-13:/2009/06/13/shit-happens-6295971/Sat, 13 Jun 2009 16:53:22 +0200 <p>Well I've always known that shit happens. I've also always believed that bad things happen in threes (sorry but my mum is super superstitious...she salutes magpies, crossed her fingers when ambulances go past, and spits on her heel when she sees a white horse in a field)...I was however, taking the girlfriend's stance that nothing else was going to happen and I was just being silly...</p> <p>Stupid me hey?...the worst week of my life continues</p> <p>1. I get told that I've been overpaid £81 - this wouldn't worry me if it wasn't the equivalent to almost two days wages and I am already skint!</p> <p>2. I get told that due to shitty references my job for September will not be going ahead - this means I am stuck in dead end street for even longer.</p> <p>3. This just tops it all...my dad has chronic heart disease...he has potentially had a couple of minor heart attacks and put them down to jus having indigestion. He doesn't want me to know. My mum told me. I don't know what to say and I don't know enough about it...all I know is I am pretty certain that he should not be pushing a heavy lawnmower around. He is insisting on it though. My mum has tried to take it off him as have I, but, it's his new toy.</p> <p>On a positive now that three crap things have happened surely it must start getting better. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/shit-happens-6295971/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeworkjobnew-gfparentsfamilyscaredhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/shit-happens-6295971/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/enjoy-the-silence-6294996/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-13:/2009/06/13/enjoy-the-silence-6294996/Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:33:50 +0200 <p>I'm down with my parents and I am fidning it tough. </p> <p>It's normally a challenging time for me as I find myself needing to hide who I am and various other things away "just in case the neighbours find out" but this time is even harder.</p> <p>I haven't told them about the work situation. I know I should. I just don't want to here their comments which will without a doubt be tactless and make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. I will get the blame for everything. I will be told that somehow it is my fault.</p> <p>So my mother keeps asking questions that I can't answer. This is partly because I know nothing about the things she's asking but also because I feel choked up about it all.</p> <p>I sent the school a last ditch attempt email the other day. I suggested they let me have a rolling probation period. They could let me work it a month at a time and if it's not working out then they can get rid of me. I even offered a lower salary rate. Due to the lack of response I guess it's gone down like a lead balloon.</p> <p>I have started to apply for other jobs but I don't really want to tell the boss what has happened. I feel embarassed that someone has painted me in such a negative light.</p> <p>Well it's time for coffee on the patio and yet more attempts at avoidance of awkward questions. </p> <p>There maybe a lot of silence around here. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/enjoy-the-silence-6294996/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>workscaredjobparentslifeteachinghttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/13/enjoy-the-silence-6294996/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/11/why-me-6283526/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-11:/2009/06/11/why-me-6283526/Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:17:36 +0200 <p>I feel so incredibly fed up.</p> <p>I attended an interview (as you probably already know) back in May and was offered the job. I sent off my letter of acceptance and bent over backwards to visit the school to complete some further bits and bobs. </p> <p>I was feeling positive about my return to the classroom thinking finally someone had given me an opportunity to prove that yes I can do this. </p> <p>I started to get concerned late last week as I hadn't heard back on the points I had queried. I figured it was due to this being a busy time of year and there was ultimately nothing to worry about.</p> <p>This morning I received a phone call telling me that because of unsatisfactory references they couldn't go ahead with their offer.</p> <p>I know the references I gave would not do this to me so can only assume they've looked elsewhere. I have contacted them to see if they would consider me on less money or a rolling probation period but doubt anything will come of it!</p> <p>Gutted! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/11/why-me-6283526/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeteachingreferencesjobworkhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/11/why-me-6283526/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/10/randomness-6275059/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-10:/2009/06/10/randomness-6275059/Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:55:08 +0200 <p>Was it me being overtired this morning or were Bill, Ben (The Flowerpot Men) and Weed really thumbing a lift at Junction 4 of the M5.</p> <p>There I was driving along and I glanced over to see them there - flowerpots and all!</p> <p>Surreal! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/10/randomness-6275059/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeimaginationbill-benhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/10/randomness-6275059/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/04/the-joys-of-a-medium-distance-relationship-6235935/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-04:/2009/06/04/the-joys-of-a-medium-distance-relationship-6235935/Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:23:57 +0200 <p>I seem to find myself increasingly looking forward to the weekends. </p> <p>I guess it is one of the joys of a slightly long distance relationship that the time you do spend together is special and precious. </p> <p>A few weeks ago the girl and I seemed to go through a phase of arguing with each other lots - this was largely I guess because we both forget that despite being similar we are actually very different people. I hate upsetting anyone particularly those who are close to me, and whilst the girl reassured me that we'd get over it I worried lots.</p> <p>We're now back on track and the last few weekends have returned to having that wonderful early relationship feeling. I love her so much and can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. Mind you for that to happen one of us will have to move!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/04/the-joys-of-a-medium-distance-relationship-6235935/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeloverelationshipsweekendsnew-gfargumentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/04/the-joys-of-a-medium-distance-relationship-6235935/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/changes-6213112/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-06-01:/2009/06/01/changes-6213112/Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:52:34 +0200 <p>It's June...already</p> <p>Where has the year so far gone? </p> <p>So much has changed in the last six months... </p> <p>I've gone from being in a relationship for five and a half years to one which is in it's early stages at just over three months... I've managed to keep the ex as an incredible friend and feel lucky that she is still part of my life but equally I am looking forward to a future with my new girl who even at this early stage I can see being in my life for a long time to come.</p> <p>I've also made the decision to return to a profession which I have in the past simultaneously loved and hated and have successfully secured a job within a pupil referral unit in central Birmingham.</p> <p>On the whole the Sian you see at the moment is happier, more relaxed than I have been for a long time. For once I am really looking forward to the future...even the 30th birthday which looms at the end of this month!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/changes-6213112/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>worknew-gfex-gfjobteachingliferelationshipshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/changes-6213112/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/05/26/new-gf-ex-gf-life-past-growing-up-wedding-cardiff-6179849/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-05-26:/2009/05/26/new-gf-ex-gf-life-past-growing-up-wedding-cardiff-6179849/Tue, 26 May 2009 13:07:40 +0200 <p>It's strange growing up, getting older, moving on... </p> <p>I spent the weekend with my ex and current girlfriends seeing some of the sights of South Wales. </p> <p>A leisurely drive down was followed by a visit to Barry Island and a paddle in the sea - it wasn't disimilar to bank holidays as a child if truth be told, playing on the 2p slots, paddling in the cold water, getting sand everywhere possible!</p> <p>We stayed with the ex in laws which was lovely. I have always had a good relationship with them. Far better than with my own parents. Far better than with the new gf's parents on the grounds that they don't know we are a couple. </p> <p>Anyway after resting up we went into Cardiff and again visited places from the past - pubs and clubs I went to as a student and even the friend I went with then came out with us!</p> <p>Most of the remaining weekend was spent chilling and relaxing. We saw friends, currents, exes you name it and it was all very pleasant. We then tootled back up the M5 to home.</p> <p>I spent my time thinking how although I have moved on some things will never change...</p> <p>I then got a text from my best mate. An invite to her wedding. My ex and I are invited. No room for an extra so my current can't.</p> <p>It's not just me living in the past then! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/05/26/new-gf-ex-gf-life-past-growing-up-wedding-cardiff-6179849/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-gfgrowing-uplifeweddingcardiffex-gfpasthttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/05/26/new-gf-ex-gf-life-past-growing-up-wedding-cardiff-6179849/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/life-depression-anxiety-relationship-love-happy-moods-food-positive-6034940/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-30:/2009/04/30/life-depression-anxiety-relationship-love-happy-moods-food-positive-6034940/Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:40:52 +0200 <p>I can feel my mood dipping and it scares me, and it's for a number of reasons that I am afraid.</p> <p>The first I guess is I don't know where it has come from. I mean I am in a new relationship with a woman I love and who loves me. It feels special and I feel happy with the way things are going - I can see us being together for a long time. Whilst other things in my life aren't going so well nothing is going badly - what do I therefore have to feel down about?</p> <p>The second is I am worried about inflicting my lows on anyone else. I know how difficult I can be at times like this - I get super clingy, my self esteem hits rock bottom and I feel fairly worthless kind of like I can do no right. I get to the point where I take everything that is said the wrong way and end up frustrating those who want to be there for me. As a result I worry about driving people away which probably makes me more and more anxious.</p> <p>The third is based on knowing my previous reactions to these feelings - things like wanting to hide away from the world, things like drinking silly amounts (which depressed me more), things like eating junk when I should be trying to be more healthy.</p> <p>So whilst difficult I am going to attempt to keep positive and try to stop this taking me over like it has done previously. It's got to be worth a try as I know what the alternative is and I don't want that at all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/life-depression-anxiety-relationship-love-happy-moods-food-positive-6034940/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>anxietylovehappyfoodliferelationshipsdepressionmoodpositivehttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/life-depression-anxiety-relationship-love-happy-moods-food-positive-6034940/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/putting-a-smile-on-my-face-6034933/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-30:/2009/04/30/putting-a-smile-on-my-face-6034933/Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:39:29 +0200 <p>I got home last night to find my girl lying in the middle of my living room floor with the dawg. It was a nice sight as I think I've only come home to find her there once before and whilst I was expecting her nothing compares with the feeling of opening the door and finding someone waiting for you!</p> <p>Further surprises were in store when I found that she'd reorganised some cupboards, filled the freezer with food, bought me a few other bits and bobs too and collected together some clothes that she no longer wanted and thought I may appreciate. </p> <p>I was so incredibly touched by the whole thing...I guess despite all the silly things I do the girl must really love me!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/putting-a-smile-on-my-face-6034933/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifesurprisetouchedlovenew-gfhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/30/putting-a-smile-on-my-face-6034933/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/ms-toogood-6029900/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-29:/2009/04/29/ms-toogood-6029900/Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:32:39 +0200 <p>Today I've been a good girl <img src="/img/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt=":>>" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p>1. I offered to stay late to let power mad girl go home - she's been suffering with tonsilitis and looks like death warmed up</p> <p>2. I completed a job application which I started over a week ago</p> <p>3. I've kept on top of my work</p> <p>4. I've kept internet surfing to a minimum (until about half an hour)</p> <p>5. I was nice to my mum this morning and made a point of being super duper pleasant</p> <p>6. I've been wearing my new specs</p> <p><img src="http://www.specsavers.co.uk/media/images/frames/angle0-large/24880459.jpg" alt="Spectacles" title=""> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/ms-toogood-6029900/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>glassesgood-girlpower-mad-girllifehttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/29/ms-toogood-6029900/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/the-parental-visit-6022667/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-28:/2009/04/28/the-parental-visit-6022667/Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:35:14 +0200 <p>My mum is coming up today. Coming to tidy up my old house and make it presentable for the hand over to the landlord.</p> <p>My mum is one of these ladies who on the surface is a sweetheart. Then when you dig beneath the the surface you find one of the scariest most terrifying people I have ever met. I would advise anyone to avoid crossing her.</p> <p>My mum is also terrified about what people think. Particularly when it comes to me. What will people think about me being a lesbian? What will people think about me giving up teaching?</p> <p>So as a result I am feeling simultaneously relieved and concerned that I am in work while she is in both my empty old house, and my over full new house.</p> <p>What will she find? What letters will she read? What will she stumble across that as a 29 year old I really shouldn't be worried about but still am? What will she have to say to me this evening? What will she find to comment on? </p> <p>I've moved a few times over the past six or seven years you see...</p> <p>My first real move was to Llanfyllin in Mid Wales where I rented a two bed house. I knew it wasn't a long term thing so was fairly good at keeping the stuff I accumulated to a minimum.</p> <p>From there I spent the longest summer of my life back with my parents. Long if only because I had grown accustomed to my space and it felt weird having to explain myself to people again.</p> <p>After a couple of months I moved first to a rented room then my own house.</p> <p>It was great having a home of my own. Three bedrooms and lots of space. I was constantly on the look out stuff whether furniture or nick nacks. I accumulated and accumulated some more. This I guess was partly down to the fact that my parents decided I could have all my junk from their house too and I just couldn't cope with the idea of getting rid of stuff!!</p> <p>I decided to sell my house as I wanted to live with my then girlfriend. It was a big move. She already had her own home and my bits and bobs weren't to her taste. I freecycled lots of my newly acquired furniture, got rid of loads of books and clothes and generally attemtped to sort stuff out. It worked to some extent I guess. Two three bedroom houses coming together meant lots of clutter and lots of car booting and I think in a way the ex was lad when our relationship ended for the first time and some of my tat was removed.</p> <p>We got back together but by now I was renting again. My own place and time to get more bits and bobs!</p> <p>So now I'm back living under my parents roof and this is where the worry about my mum's comments has come from. Although my parents don't live in the place they still seem to feel they should have some control over it and what goes into it!</p> <p>So I guess all I have to do for the time being is sit here, twiddle my thumbs and wonder what she is going to ask me when I get in tonight! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/the-parental-visit-6022667/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>mumquestionshousesspacevisitcluttertidylifehttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/28/the-parental-visit-6022667/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/weird-goings-on-6017559/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-27:/2009/04/27/weird-goings-on-6017559/Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:21:18 +0200 <p>Is it silly but</p> <p>* I ring just to hear her voice<br> * I text just so she knows that I am thinking about her<br> * I smile when I get an email from her<br> * I think constantly about when we'll next be together<br> * I think about when I last saw her and held her<br> * I get excited when I am about to see her<br> * I look forward to holding her and kissing her<br> * I love looking into her eyes<br> * I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world and can't believe she is with me<br> * When she isn't around I often wear her big old hoody just to feel close to her<br> * When we are together I spend my time looking at her and thinking how incredible she is<br> * When we are together I can't stop myself from touching her, hugging her and holding her close<br> * When I think of the future I can't see her not being there<br> * Whenever I think about her I get butterflies<br> * I get serious butterflies when she tells me that she loves me</p> <p>What's wrong with me? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/weird-goings-on-6017559/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-gflifelovesillyhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/weird-goings-on-6017559/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/i-ve-been-off-work-for-the-last-couple-of-5988278/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-22:/2009/04/22/i-ve-been-off-work-for-the-last-couple-of-5988278/Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:13:02 +0200 <p>I've been off work for the last couple of days...</p> <p>I woke up on Sunday with a headache and just failed to shake it. After suffering in silence for a fair bit of the day I decided to take some pills before noticing that this wasn't just a headache but was actually affecting my eyes too...</p> <p>So for the last two days I've been with the girlfriend. She has been massaging my head, speaking soothing words and being a general star by driving me around the West Midlands area.</p> <p>My doctor was unsure of the problem so ordered that I have a blood test in the mean time I decided to get a much needed eye test to see if that could solve things.</p> <p>It turns out I am short sighted in one eye and long sighted in the other...whilst this could result in one eye helping the other it seems in my case to be having a negative effect and causing me headaches.</p> <p>So as of next week I will be a glasses wearer - yay...let's just hope the headaches go! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/i-ve-been-off-work-for-the-last-couple-of-5988278/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-gfheadacheglassesacheeyespainlifehttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/22/i-ve-been-off-work-for-the-last-couple-of-5988278/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/14/the-mum-dad-blues-5943468/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-14:/2009/04/14/the-mum-dad-blues-5943468/Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:59:32 +0200 <p>I spent some of this weekend with my parents. Wonderful people but I so often feel they don't get me. </p> <p>It frequently feels that the second they get through the door they criticise me, my life, my relationships and everything else - this tends to put me on the defensive and as a result causes argument after argument between us.</p> <p>I find it strange how semi intelligent people can be so insensitive to my feelings on occasions - talking about me when they think I am out of ear shot, commenting on my decisions and obviously disapproving. </p> <p>This weekends comment was "you have an overactive imagination where we are concerned, you seem to think we criticise" - well wake up, you do. People who spend time with me and my parents notice it within a short period of time. The first boyfriend I took home to meet them commented on how my behaviour and mannerisms changed the second I walked through their front door. The seemingly confident young lady he knew was cowering away and looking instantly terrified. My ex found it frustrating sand sould destroying that their criticism of me extended to her too - one of my mother's all time lovely lines was "you two are hideously fat". Charming hey?</p> <p>It's not just this though, it's the lies. My ex (who I was with for five years) never once was referred to as my partner or girlfriend instead she was called my friend and I never lived with her (no that would be too shameful) - in fact my first publicised move was a year ago when we split up (my mother told people it was me wanting a change). Finally to many of their friends I am in a successful permanent job having never doubted my career in teaching. The only thing they can't lie about is my weight and appearance although my Mum does try and girl me up from time to time.</p> <p>All of this makes me wonder whether my parents like me and whether in fact I like my parents.</p> <p>I mean should I really feel so constantly under attack from those who are meant to love me most? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/14/the-mum-dad-blues-5943468/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifedisapproveimaginationissuesparentsfamilyhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/14/the-mum-dad-blues-5943468/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/making-a-difference-5910878/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-08:/2009/04/08/making-a-difference-5910878/Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:08:40 +0200 <p>I've been feeling for a while that I'd like to do something more rewarding with my life. </p> <p>As a teacher whether you liked it or not you were always helping people. Sometimes this was on a simple level, helping them settle into a new class, or more frequently you were a key player in helping them to achieve their dreams (by teaching them the subjects they required to move on to the next stage of their education). Every day felt like it counted, particularly at this time of the year when deadlines would loom ever closer and closer.</p> <p>Outside of school I was a Brownie leader and this again was a role where you walked away feeling like you had made a difference. In Brownies you were helping young girls develop greater self confidence through games, activities and working for badges. Many a time I found myself with girls thanking me for helping them to learn a new skill or to do something really cool!! </p> <p>I walked away from both...teaching because it just wasn't going as well as it should. I was feeling stressed, unhappy and I realised I just wasn't making the difference I wanted to as I had become disillusioned with it all. I walked away from Brownies because I wasn't sure that a single sex organisation was the way ahead, yes it was fun but in some ways I felt it was an urealistic setting - I mean whether you like it or not there are boys in the big bad world and I kind of feel it is important that you get used to being around them (dunno if anyone else feels similarly mind you).</p> <p>Since leaving the classroom 18 months ago I have worked in an office job. Whilst my work semi impacts on a few people I so often feel like I really am not making a difference to anyone's life. </p> <p>So about six months ago I started looking into voluntary work. Anything really. Whether it was a role as a voluntary receptionist for Relate or working with young people I didn't care. I contacted loads of organisations asking if they wanted me and if I could make a difference.</p> <p>On the whole it was unproductive. No response from the majority, no thank you from others. I just don't get it!</p> <p>If anyone has any suggestions who might want me please let me know - I have good ICT skills, teaching experience and would ideally to work with young people...someone has to want me!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/making-a-difference-5910878/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>rewardingictbrownieslifevolunteeringteachinghttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/making-a-difference-5910878/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/moving-homes-5910423/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-08:/2009/04/08/moving-homes-5910423/Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:42:10 +0200 <p>I moved house a couple of weeks ago (as I am sure regular readers will know) - it's about 20 doors away from where I was previously, has a fair bit more space and it quite a lot more comfy.</p> <p>I'm not feeling at home there yet which is worrying me. All other places I've felt settled in within minutes of arriving.</p> <p>Part of it is probably due to the fact that the majority of my personal stuff seems to still be in the other house. I get home from work and frankly can't be bothered with lugging bits and bobs around. I mean there's not that much of it to come over just CD's, clothes, my favourite chair, books, DVD's and other odds and ends. Nothing I can't live without on a daily basis anyway! I should move it but just don't have the energy after a day in the office so am hoping maybe this weekend will be the time to do something about it.</p> <p>Another reason I guess is at the end of the day I feel very aware that it is my parents place rather than my own. They seem to have quite a few ideas about what I should have in there, what should be left behind, what should be on the walls, what should be forgotten about. That makes it tough as they're putting restrictions on me makes me want to hold on to stuff all the more!! </p> <p>A final reason is I think I spend a lot of time wanting to be with the new gf who lives about 50 miles away. Silly as it is early days but I just keep feeling like I want to be with her more and more.</p> <p>I'm going to concentrate on being positive. I am going to ask my parents if I can put some paint on a few of the walls to make it feel a little more me and a little less the previous occupants. I am going to get some of my pictures framed so I can hang them up and have them to look at instead of masses of empty wall space...</p> <p>I'll get there...</p> <p>I hope!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/moving-homes-5910423/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-gflifenew-housefamilyfurnitureparentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/moving-homes-5910423/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/families-5870605/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-04-01:/2009/04/01/families-5870605/Wed, 01 Apr 2009 09:44:38 +0200 <p>My parents and I have always had a slightly tempestuous relationship. This stems largely from their inability to be positive about me or anything within my life. </p> <p>Until recently I worked as a Teacher, I was respected by my colleagues, students and their families, I earned a good salary but I also suffered from a spell of ill health due to anxiety and depression. I felt as if my world was collapsing around me at most of this time and my then partner stuck with me and helped me through in a lot of ways. </p> <p>My parents reaction to this was not to support but rather to tell me to carry on with this career path. When I was put on anti depressants they told me not to take them. When I was signed off sick they told me to go into work. It resulted in a bit of a breakdown in me and the end of an already unstable relationship with my then partner and my mother. When the relationship with me and the ex then fell apart I felt I had no-where to turn and no-one to talk to because of all of the bad feeling that had arisen over time. </p> <p>I was left despite having once been a home owner with very little money which I ploughed in to renting a home for myself and buying some bits of furniture. In addition to that I sorted out some of the bills which had been plaguing me and put myself in a better position to cope with things. By this stage teaching was a distant memory and although peniless I was happy,</p> <p>For the last year and a bit I have been rebuilding my confidence and my life I guess. I have made new friends and learned to like myself. I have learned to cope with the anxiety and depression that has plagued me. I have moved on in relationships to one with a woman who lifts my spirits and makes me so happy as she is supportive, loving, fun to be with and an all round incredible person. </p> <p>Prior to meeting my new girl I spoke to my parents about my hopes to get back on the property ladder. I wanted to have my own home in the Midlands area. They wanted me to move back to South Wales. I kept explaining that my home and life was here now and eventually they came around to my way of thinking. </p> <p>Out of the blue they then offered to purchase a home for me. They said that they had savings which they would like to invest and if I could find somewhere that would make a good rental yield I could live there and be a part owner. </p> <p>Despite everything that had happened previously I chose to accept their offer. Yes they had undermined relationships and self confidence in the past but surely this would not happen again would it? The sale was agreed in January and finally at the weekend it went through.</p> <p>Since then I have seen an already fragile relationship with my parents deteriorate. I have been told on umpteen occasions already how ungrateful and selfish I am, I have been told how they have almost bankrupted themselves to go ahead with the purchase (had I realised this there is no way I would have accepted their offer), they have critcised my last relationship claiming she poisoned my mind (I am an intelligent woman with thoughts of my own - but not in their eyes), they have passed comment on various other parts of my life in a way which can only be viewed as criticism - and not particularly constructive at that! Since the weekend I have felt attacked on an almost constant basis and what should be a happy time is feeling stressful.</p> <p>Yesterday they were up again. I had passed comment on how I'd like to move the bedroom around and how I would get some friends together. By the time I got home they had done this. I was greatful for this but I hadn't asked them to do it so felt hurt when they then started an attack at me including comments about their age and how they shouldn't be doing stuff like this. Attack after attack continued and when I eventually raised my voice they left - my dad angry, my mum on the brink of tears.</p> <p>I felt rubbish but I also felt hurt by it all. My dad's parting shot was that I could be a tennant not a daughter if that was what I wanted.</p> <p>Why on earth I thought this would work I do not know... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/families-5870605/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeex-gfhomerelationshipsnew-gfparentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/families-5870605/#commentshttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/the-b-tch-is-back-5775710/tag:sianysianp.blog.co.uk,2009-03-17:/2009/03/17/the-b-tch-is-back-5775710/Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:29:45 +0100 <p>The B!TCH...how dare she sit here and do no work all day then imply that I am the one who is slacking and can't cope with the workload?</p> <p>Have I complained once that she has left me to it? Have I made any sarcastic comments about her slacking today? Have I done anything other than get things done? </p> <p>The little madam...grrr!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/the-b-tch-is-back-5775710/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>grrworklifepower-mad-girlhttp://sianysianp.blog.co.uk/2009/03/17/the-b-tch-is-back-5775710/#comments