When the ex and I looked into adoption we were warned about the emotions we would go through. We were told that it would be a process of highs and lows where we would reflect on our lives taking into account every last aspect of it.
I guess it is therefore not surprising that as an adoptee who has found her natural mum I am going through the same emotions.
There is so much going on inside of me and so many of these are feelings which I thought I had put to bed when I was younger
Excitement
I am excited because I have found my Mum and found out I have half brothers and sisters. I have found out why she gave me up all those years ago. I have found out about my roots.
I am excited because due to her relatively young age I potentially have a fair bit of time to get to know her and find out even more. I will potentially be able to establish a relationship with her.
Anger
I feel angry at myself because on occasion I am so ungrateful for everything I have and everything I have been given. My parents gave me an incredible start in life and I think it is only now that I am appreciating it.
I feel angry at myself because I think I have been selfish and not taken into account that my natural Mum will be going through a lot now - I have been so concerned with myself and how I am feeling that I've barely thought about her and my half brother and sister and what must be going on in their minds.
I feel angry at my natural Mum because I have made a few suggestions on how we can spend time together and she has rejected each of these. I know she is scared but so am I.
Guilt
I feel guilty because I haven't told my parents what is going on. I feel this especially after a visit last home last night and realising how much they have given me. Looking at photo albums made me realise how much they worshipped their little girl and how desperately they must have wanted me.
I guess I also feel bad seeing how much I have had and how little my Mum and half brother and sister had (in terms of posessions anyway).
Fear/insecurity
These feelings relate back to childhood. I was always afraid I'd been given up because there was something wrong with me. I feared that my Mum had taken one look at me and asked for me to be put up for adoption. Equally I thought I had some form of deadly illness.
I am insecure and afraid because I don't want her to dislike me and I don't want to be lost again.
Love
I find myself feeling far stronger about my natural Mum that I expected. I like her. In a way it would have been easier if I couldn't identify with her but meeting her has already helped me understand myself better.
I am also realising how much I love my parents. I criticise and moan about them so much but I really do think the world of them. I think they know that - at least I hope they do.
Lots going on and so many emotions - I guess al natural but lots to get my head around!
