...WYSIWYG...

I've had the weirdest few days and a 30th birthday which will be memorable for all of the wrong reasons. As a result I've been preoccupied and not really in the mood for blogging.

Will write more soon.

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Fed up with being skint. Fed up with not having enough money to make ends meet. Fed up with having my phones disconnected because I can't afford to pay my bill. Fed up with barely being able to afford food. Fed up with not being able to go out without having to get someone else to sub me and pay my way. Fed up with having to borrow money from parents. Fed up with my girl having to bail me out. Fed up with my ex having to bail me out. Fed up that no matter how hard I try to find a new job I can't. Fed up that the one job I had was snatched away from me. Fed up that I am working the maximum number of hours possible yet still not making enough. Fed up with spending a days wages a week on petrol. Fed up that I can't see my girlfriend because I can't afford the extra petrol to get over to her. Fed up that my parents seem unbothered that it's my 30th birthday at the weekend. Fed up that my dad's unwell but no-one tells me anything.

It's my 30th next weekend. Sunday 28th June. Put it in your diaries!

I decided that with it being a big one this year I'd try and get people together. I mean I do know a fair few people...work, uni, school, home...and I figured that this weekend could be my pre birthday knees up.

So I looked through my facebook contacts and got in touch with the most important...people who I had seen most recently, people who meant the most to me and from the 200+ friends I made it down to 20.

I started off sending a message about two months in advance...kind of a keep this date open...I had a few responses most of which were positive. Anyway I then sent out a reminder a couple of weeks ago asking people to let me know as soon as possible so I could cater in terms of food and drinks.

Well I have had a positive response from my girlfriend, two exes and two of my closest friends from my Uni days...one ex has since had to say no but until mid week was coming...everyone else...nothing!

I guess it shows which of your friends you can count on. I guess it shows which friends you mean something to and which consider you as a mere acquaintance too.

I can't decide whether to send out a last ditch attempt at an invite...tell people to get there a bit later on...tell people I'll provide the booze...or just leave it!

Quality rather than quantity hey?

Well I've always known that shit happens. I've also always believed that bad things happen in threes (sorry but my mum is super superstitious...she salutes magpies, crossed her fingers when ambulances go past, and spits on her heel when she sees a white horse in a field)...I was however, taking the girlfriend's stance that nothing else was going to happen and I was just being silly...

Stupid me hey?...the worst week of my life continues

1. I get told that I've been overpaid £81 - this wouldn't worry me if it wasn't the equivalent to almost two days wages and I am already skint!

2. I get told that due to shitty references my job for September will not be going ahead - this means I am stuck in dead end street for even longer.

3. This just tops it all...my dad has chronic heart disease...he has potentially had a couple of minor heart attacks and put them down to jus having indigestion. He doesn't want me to know. My mum told me. I don't know what to say and I don't know enough about it...all I know is I am pretty certain that he should not be pushing a heavy lawnmower around. He is insisting on it though. My mum has tried to take it off him as have I, but, it's his new toy.

On a positive now that three crap things have happened surely it must start getting better.

I'm down with my parents and I am fidning it tough.

It's normally a challenging time for me as I find myself needing to hide who I am and various other things away "just in case the neighbours find out" but this time is even harder.

I haven't told them about the work situation. I know I should. I just don't want to here their comments which will without a doubt be tactless and make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. I will get the blame for everything. I will be told that somehow it is my fault.

So my mother keeps asking questions that I can't answer. This is partly because I know nothing about the things she's asking but also because I feel choked up about it all.

I sent the school a last ditch attempt email the other day. I suggested they let me have a rolling probation period. They could let me work it a month at a time and if it's not working out then they can get rid of me. I even offered a lower salary rate. Due to the lack of response I guess it's gone down like a lead balloon.

I have started to apply for other jobs but I don't really want to tell the boss what has happened. I feel embarassed that someone has painted me in such a negative light.

Well it's time for coffee on the patio and yet more attempts at avoidance of awkward questions.

There maybe a lot of silence around here.

I feel so incredibly fed up.

I attended an interview (as you probably already know) back in May and was offered the job. I sent off my letter of acceptance and bent over backwards to visit the school to complete some further bits and bobs.

I was feeling positive about my return to the classroom thinking finally someone had given me an opportunity to prove that yes I can do this.

I started to get concerned late last week as I hadn't heard back on the points I had queried. I figured it was due to this being a busy time of year and there was ultimately nothing to worry about.

This morning I received a phone call telling me that because of unsatisfactory references they couldn't go ahead with their offer.

I know the references I gave would not do this to me so can only assume they've looked elsewhere. I have contacted them to see if they would consider me on less money or a rolling probation period but doubt anything will come of it!

Gutted!

Was it me being overtired this morning or were Bill, Ben (The Flowerpot Men) and Weed really thumbing a lift at Junction 4 of the M5.

There I was driving along and I glanced over to see them there - flowerpots and all!

Surreal!

I seem to find myself increasingly looking forward to the weekends.

I guess it is one of the joys of a slightly long distance relationship that the time you do spend together is special and precious.

A few weeks ago the girl and I seemed to go through a phase of arguing with each other lots - this was largely I guess because we both forget that despite being similar we are actually very different people. I hate upsetting anyone particularly those who are close to me, and whilst the girl reassured me that we'd get over it I worried lots.

We're now back on track and the last few weekends have returned to having that wonderful early relationship feeling. I love her so much and can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. Mind you for that to happen one of us will have to move!!

It's June...already

Where has the year so far gone?

So much has changed in the last six months...

I've gone from being in a relationship for five and a half years to one which is in it's early stages at just over three months... I've managed to keep the ex as an incredible friend and feel lucky that she is still part of my life but equally I am looking forward to a future with my new girl who even at this early stage I can see being in my life for a long time to come.

I've also made the decision to return to a profession which I have in the past simultaneously loved and hated and have successfully secured a job within a pupil referral unit in central Birmingham.

On the whole the Sian you see at the moment is happier, more relaxed than I have been for a long time. For once I am really looking forward to the future...even the 30th birthday which looms at the end of this month!!

It's strange growing up, getting older, moving on...

I spent the weekend with my ex and current girlfriends seeing some of the sights of South Wales.

A leisurely drive down was followed by a visit to Barry Island and a paddle in the sea - it wasn't disimilar to bank holidays as a child if truth be told, playing on the 2p slots, paddling in the cold water, getting sand everywhere possible!

We stayed with the ex in laws which was lovely. I have always had a good relationship with them. Far better than with my own parents. Far better than with the new gf's parents on the grounds that they don't know we are a couple.

Anyway after resting up we went into Cardiff and again visited places from the past - pubs and clubs I went to as a student and even the friend I went with then came out with us!

Most of the remaining weekend was spent chilling and relaxing. We saw friends, currents, exes you name it and it was all very pleasant. We then tootled back up the M5 to home.

I spent my time thinking how although I have moved on some things will never change...

I then got a text from my best mate. An invite to her wedding. My ex and I are invited. No room for an extra so my current can't.

It's not just me living in the past then!