...WYSIWYG...

I regress. Every time I come over the Ross/Monmouth border into Wales and visit my parents. I go from being a largely intelligent adult to a child. I lose my powers of reasoning, my ability to act as an adult - everything!

They won't leave me to myself, they want to talk to me all the time. They seem unable to avoid the criticsm that comes so naturally to them.

So far today we have heard about my weight, my appearance, my inability to hold a fork properly, how I wasn't brought up to behave the way I do and today's particularly damning bit has been that my girlfriend is lovely but not suited to me!

I feel frustrated, I feel challenged and I feel wrong for doing so. Coupled with the regression is my moods becoming akin to that of a teenager - I am snappy, I am grumpy, I am generally rude and a less nice person than that which I try to be on a daily basis!!

I need help!!!

It's a beautiful morning at this end. I somehow managed to get to work early and am feeling surprisingly bouncy! I wonder how long it will last?

I've not been writing here much as I seemed to have discovered pen and paper. There's something satisfying about seeing my illegible scrawl in a battered old notebook!

Anyway the girl is away in Cornwall with her parents. I think it's going well although it was at first a bit of a challenge - her parents weren't being overly chatty and she was in part putting it down to having come out of the closet a few weeks prior to the holiday, oh dear hey?

Right time to get on with some work!

It's probably a sign of how I'm feeling at the moment...I could really do with some of these as I feel like there is so much emotion in me and I would love to release it but can't! Anyway it looked better when I drew it originally but am sure you get the idea.

Tear release tablets...contain alcohol...for moments when you want to cry but can't!

Today I am feeling like I really want to escape from it all. I want to go to a place where nobody knows me and where no-one can contact me.

I want my mind to be cleared of all thoughts as I am fed up with feeling preoccupied. I want to do something that makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me relax!

But I'm stuck at work...so back to the grindstone for me!

I've woken up feeling like I've had a skinful of alcohol. In reality it was a can of lager and two glasses of wine.

I feel confused by how things are going. I guess the elation of last week has died down and it is all now sinking in.

Last week I felt so happy - I had found out stuff about me and my roots. More importantly I had found out that my Mum hadn't wanted to let me go. I felt like I had met a missing link particularly when being hugged by her or watching her body language and seeing the uncanncy similarities.

Maybe we both got swept up in the moment. This week it all feels different. She has gradually become more distant. I feel like I have had to force conversation whilst emails I have sent remain unanswered. On Monday night I made some suggestions about spending time together. Just me and her. I guess I want to get to know her so I can know me more than anything. The offers were rejected.

I don't want to be rejected by someone who has done so already all those years ago. I don't want to lose my Mum again but equally I am not changing who I am for anybody and I am not going to bend over backwards to do anything for her.

I've made the decision overnight that anything I am doing now has to be done for me. I can't be trying to live up to her expectations. I can't be trying to make her happy.

At the end of the day she may be my Mum but I have parents who love me and who have given me eveything in life. I am so grateful for all they have done and just hope they know that!

When the ex and I looked into adoption we were warned about the emotions we would go through. We were told that it would be a process of highs and lows where we would reflect on our lives taking into account every last aspect of it.

I guess it is therefore not surprising that as an adoptee who has found her natural mum I am going through the same emotions.

There is so much going on inside of me and so many of these are feelings which I thought I had put to bed when I was younger

Excitement
I am excited because I have found my Mum and found out I have half brothers and sisters. I have found out why she gave me up all those years ago. I have found out about my roots.

I am excited because due to her relatively young age I potentially have a fair bit of time to get to know her and find out even more. I will potentially be able to establish a relationship with her.

Anger
I feel angry at myself because on occasion I am so ungrateful for everything I have and everything I have been given. My parents gave me an incredible start in life and I think it is only now that I am appreciating it.

I feel angry at myself because I think I have been selfish and not taken into account that my natural Mum will be going through a lot now - I have been so concerned with myself and how I am feeling that I've barely thought about her and my half brother and sister and what must be going on in their minds.

I feel angry at my natural Mum because I have made a few suggestions on how we can spend time together and she has rejected each of these. I know she is scared but so am I.

Guilt
I feel guilty because I haven't told my parents what is going on. I feel this especially after a visit last home last night and realising how much they have given me. Looking at photo albums made me realise how much they worshipped their little girl and how desperately they must have wanted me.

I guess I also feel bad seeing how much I have had and how little my Mum and half brother and sister had (in terms of posessions anyway).

Fear/insecurity
These feelings relate back to childhood. I was always afraid I'd been given up because there was something wrong with me. I feared that my Mum had taken one look at me and asked for me to be put up for adoption. Equally I thought I had some form of deadly illness.

I am insecure and afraid because I don't want her to dislike me and I don't want to be lost again.

Love
I find myself feeling far stronger about my natural Mum that I expected. I like her. In a way it would have been easier if I couldn't identify with her but meeting her has already helped me understand myself better.

I am also realising how much I love my parents. I criticise and moan about them so much but I really do think the world of them. I think they know that - at least I hope they do.

Lots going on and so many emotions - I guess al natural but lots to get my head around!

I was adopted as a baby. I never knew my Mum as I was immediately put into foster care and then taken to the home where I was to grow up. I always knew. From about three years old they told me how I had been brought home in a car from this special place and that they felt so lucky to have me.

I was always curious about where I came from. I quite often used to see my traits in friends Mums and wonder if I was related to them in some way.

As I got older curiosity increased but out of respect for my parents I didn't ask. I went to the place where I was born and felt close to my Mum but I didn't know if she even came from that area.

When I left home for University I started to think even more about who she was, what she did and what she looked like. Again out of guilt I held back but I did look into things. I needed a birth certificate though and wasn't going to ask my parents about this as it would raise too many questions.

Eventually I became of the belief that it was as much for her to find me as it was for me to go looking for her.

About three years ago I was out walking with my Dad - he asked me if I wanted to know about her and as I could see he was choked up I said no. He gave me a few details nonetheless - in particular I found out that she was 17 when she had me and that she was adamant that giving me up was the right thing. She had gone into catering.

I spent a few weeks after that looking at web-sites for hotels in Wrexham (where I was born) looking for her face - I knew I'd recognise her immediately. I had no luck and once again gave up my hunt. Let her find me I thought.

On my 30th along with some news about my Dad's health an envelope was taken out of the filing cabinet. It was marked "For Sian, when she needs it". Inside this envelope were details of my background. I found out I had some Rhodesian in me as my Mum had been born there but moved over in her teens, and there was the information I had seen previously. What I hadn't seen before though was her name. I finally had a link.

All this didn't change my mind. I still didn't really want to know. What I saw next though made up my mind. A second envelope contained important paperwork including my birth certificate. It was then I registered that I had in fact had a different name when born. Had my Mum wanted to find me she couldn't.

I sat that morning and looked for links to her in the town where she had then lived. I found a surname that matched hers but no luck finding her. I found myself the next day looking for her again. No luck. Then a friend did a search and sure enough there she was!

I decided to write to her and let her know I was okay. I was still determined all I wanted was to find out any health conditions. The letter was difficult to write but we posted it. I was terrified that I had ruined her life again!

I got a response on the Friday morning but my friends chose to protect me - I was told on Sunday that she had been over the moon to hear from me. I immediately picked out pictures to send her of me as a little one. Last Monday I got an email that changed my life.

I found out that my Mum had never intended to give me up. She had always wanted to keep me and had every intention of us being together. She had fought to keep me only to have her parents plot behind her back. After I was born she had been kicked out of home

The story is complicated and I am learning lots. On Tuesday I sent a photo and received one in return - my first sight of my Mum. On Wednesday I sent a clip of me talking. On Thursday I spoke to her on the phone. On Friday I gave her my mobile number. Yesterday, we met!

This is an overview of it all but I guess I just wanted to get the bare bones down for now.

Our story is just beginning but I look forward to meeting my new extended family - I am so lucky as I now have two sets of parents who love me and have gone from being an only child to having a half brother and half sister!!! Wow!!

I went to the doctor on Friday morning. I wasn't going to but when I found myself sat in the car crying hysterically after my card refused to work in the garage I figured it was probably a good move.

I guess I'd seen it coming for a while. I've felt for a few weeks now like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders. I just didn't want to admit that there was anything wrong.

I guess part of it is my mother. Silly isn't it? Her opinion still counts even though I am 90 miles away and I am 30 years old. Even though she isn't a doctor. My mum doesn't believe that there is such a thing as depression and really doesn't think I should take tablets for it. She bases these opinions on things she has read in specialist publications like "The Sun".

I made a list before going to the doctor. The things I thought were wrong with me. What the signs had been. How I had been gradually getting worse. What had set me off. What I wanted. What I didn't want. He agreed that my self diagnosis of depression coupled with stress and anxiety was correct and that I needed pills.

I started back on them Friday night and since then have spent myself feeling perma-pished. You know that feeling of light headedness where standing up gives you a head rush. I have been reassured through reading that this is a genuine side effect so hopefuly it will calm down soon.

I haven't had any hysterics since Friday morning thankfully and am feeling calmer - I know it's too soon for the drugs to have kicked in so I am guessing any effects are probably due to the support of my girlfriend and friends over the last few days - I really do hope they know how much they mean to me!

In work on my own and I am so incredibly bored. I have the radio on but it's not helping to keep the yawns at bay.

I am also incredibly tired. Since the events of my birthday a week and a half ago I haven't been sleeping properly - I go to bed but either spend hours tossing and turning trying to get to sleep or wake up at silly o'clock in the morning and am unable to get back to the land of z's.

Added to this are anxiety attacks. Tightness of chest. Dizziness. Light-headed. Feeling faint.

Part of me thinks I should go to the doctor, however, I know what she will say and I am dreading once again being handed a prescription for anti depressants. I want to survive without them but at times like this when the world feels like it's on top of me I think I can't!

I've had the weirdest few days and a 30th birthday which will be memorable for all of the wrong reasons. As a result I've been preoccupied and not really in the mood for blogging.

Will write more soon.

x